Some days are just too overwhelming for me. There is this tremor within that makes me uneasy. I can't put my finger on it; it is a fearful offing that makes my mind reel and apprehensive of the unknown.

Can I help myself? I am passionately driven by my work. I want to spend much of my time trying to accomplish the best possible results as a history researcher and curator. People think that this passion is actually an unhealthy form of obsession. But can anyone really quell a desire to create beauty and provide knowledge for others? At my age, it is necessary for me to leave some kind of mark that I have achieved something of lasting value; of importance that would make me proud of what I have become, and see the journey that I had to undertake to get to that point of success.

The young could not really understand this need to leave one's mark. Maybe age is a contributing factor to all of this. I think that I have but little time left and the only thing that is certain is the uncertainty of where life is headed. We are like on a rushing train, and every minute counts as you pass by each scenario, and it feels such a waste that you never tried to leave something that would make people look up and see, and of course, admire you for your daring.

Maybe, there are several sacrifices that have to be made to get from point A to point B. A loss of friendship; unreasonable actions that lead to rage; coldness that could never be overcome. Is it worth it? Only time could tell if such loss is worth all the trouble.

People have always suspected that I have a knock on the head. How judgmental, really! I may not be the regular normal guy, but like anybody else on this world of ours, I have my own personality and it may not always be acceptable to everyone, however, I am proud to be different. People, like to talk a lot, or they talk so little, but they never try to listen or even try to look closely at the individuals they are judging.

What are the common rants that I hear? For starters: "That guy has no girlfriend, so he must be a fuckwit gay, or he wants to be friends with this other guy, so he must be seriously crushing on him." Wow, just because I'm looking for friendships does that instantly qualify me as a homosexual? Does that mean I have some perverse desire? Why can't people start being sane and accept that hey, people never want to be alone all the time and all they seek is some form of camaraderie? That's how the shoe fits these days.

It has been over two years since I wrote on this blog. I don't know why I stopped all of a sudden and moved over to Facebook. Maybe because there was a ready audience to hear me rant and rave, or even appreciate my thoughts instead of the anonymity of this blog. Much as I like to be read, I somehow lost the privacy I have always cherished. Well, at least in this blog. Nobody has to read about it or judge me for my stupidities and idiosyncrasies.

Like some fortress of solitude. No one dares to enter. I am safe and secure, and probably happy to have a bit of sanity. Isn't that what everybody wants? To be sane somewhere, even in some remote corner of the world wide web? Maybe it's better to keep on writing on this blog. To finally find a repository for my thoughts, even the darkest ones.

Here's to the re-opening of this blog!

It's the start of a new year. After almost a year, I'm resurrecting this blog. I need some space to write out my thoughts. This blog is my fortress of solitude--no one to judge my thoughts. To be quite frank, I really feel this intense sadness. It all started with Hobee refusing my books, and everything seems to go downhill from there. How long would this depression last?

Viendo me cargo,
los orbes en los zócalos…
De la luz que penetra cada partición.
¿Por qué continúe existiendo?
La oscuridad interminable debe dominar.

I just feel so horribly depressed today. I should be happy but somehow things are not going my way. I have been waiting for the minutes to tick on by, and the ennui is just enervating. Have I lost my interest in the job? It seems that many opportunities have passed me, and everything is too late.

Have I Truly Seen the Landscape...

Or maybe I have been too short-sighted to look at the bigger picture? These days, I can't deny the truth, I have been feeling a bit sluggish about how my life is progresing. Is this how things are supposed to be--everything crawling at a snail's pace that I feel that I'm losing my cool? I believe that the future can never be bleak unless I picture it to be--yet it seems that opportunities are not commonplace, or am I just too impatient?

I have been trying to calm down my jitters through books, but I have this gnawing feeling of emptiness. The fight is still on...

My Own Strange Tale on Rizal

Finally, I was able to post this comic...